Thoughtful Tuesday: To Keep or Not To Keep?

Today is Sophia's last day in school for this semester. As Primemont Science School's Preschool Department's sem-ender activity, they had a pajama party. And yes, I am at home --- I was not there to witness her first show & tell. I was not there to take photos and videos of my little tattle-tale. But I asked the new helper (au revoir laundry & dishwashing!) to bring the camera and take photos of my little sleepy head. She brought her dinosaur plushie & Hello Kitty numbers book for their show & tell. When I asked her last night on what to bring for today's activity, she instantly grabbed that book and was in panic mode in looking for Dino, the dinosaur; which, was just inside her "box of surprise" when she went to her "imaginary world."

Sophia & her classmates in their blankies

Self-Theories on Why Ectopic Pregnancy Happened to Me

When something good happens to you, you rejoice and happiness is just everywhere! Have you noticed that? But when it's something bad, you question. You sulk in and wonder why of all people, that one bad thing happened to you. It is so human, isn't it? When I knew I had a miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy, I asked why. I contemplated on why it happened to me. I thought I was at my healthiest. I thought nothing could go wrong. Most of the good people around me said God has a purpose on why He let me experience this phase. These good people also told me that He let me had the pain because He knows I can endure it, because He knows I'm strong. And well, some people even said (I don't know if it's with empathy) that the operation was like giving birth through ceasarian section. Yes, it was actually almost the same, except that a Fallopian tube and an appendix were taken out from me and not a baby I could cuddle with after. I agree that there must be something reasonable about all of these. I am a logical person. I don't just sit in with the idea that something occurs out of nothing. So I asked my OB what caused the ectopic pregnancy. She said, in a matter-of-factly statement: "it just happens, Denise". My battle mode self was not on at that moment that I didn't inquire for a more detailed information. 

Photo courtesy of University of Maryland Medical Center

A week after the very cinematic operation I had, I still wonder what caused those lazy egg and sperm cells to form outside my uterus. My mom, a no-nonsense woman, told me that R's sperm cell and my egg cell were too lazy to go inside the uterus and initially decided to relax themselves in the Fallopian tube, thus having what they called a tubal pregnancy. She actually has a point. Being the ever curious cat that I am, I went to my cyber bestfriend, Google. I stumbled upon a million links to my question "what causes ectopic pregnancy?" I scanned all the possible answers and eventually led me to some fruitful but practical explanations. I gathered the causes from different websites, which I deem related to me. First thing that shocked me was from ehealthMD, it says there that "it's important to remember that in most cases of ectopic pregnancy, the cause is unknown. However, several factors can raise your risk for an ectopic pregnancy"; one of the four factors the website mentioned is SMOKING. 

Scarred but Married to Superman

My whole body still feels sore from too much lying down. I actually can't complain. The thing is, the bed is my salvation as I can't freely move and go to anywhere that pleases me as the wound in my tummy is still fresh from the operation. I have disclosed here through an open letter to the baby I never had, that I had a miscarriage. And yes, I also mentioned that I needed to take Methergine to stop the bleeding but to also gradually wash away all that is left of the baby. Come Thursday last week, I was crying in pain. My tummy felt like there was a little monster kicking from the inside. I mustered the pain as I am a SAHM with domestic duties to fulfill, with the help of Dolfenal. I even managed to watch Taken 2 the day after (a must-see, btw) and even had a quick meeting for the blog. I thought, the pain was just a Methergine side effect.

It was a fine Saturday morning. I felt a bit relieved because my husband was home to go with me to my OB. We were scheduled to be at her clinic at 3pm. We went there earlier. And not in the clinic, but in the Emergency Room. The excruciating pain was taking my whole body to confess all my sins (not true) and give out my Facebook password to my husband (weird but true). The hospital I went to is not a 5-star hospital but it's fine and they took care of me (except for some noisy male nurses). It's what we can afford. We may have benefits to go to the Armed Forces of the Philippines Medical Center (AFPMC) but we didn't risk it because we know that we have to wait too long even if it's an emergency; sadly, the very usual thing in government offices.

Parenting is NOT a Competition

I am a 4-year-old parent. Yes, basically new. I have my own ups & downs parenting-wise. Being someone in "authority" (but should not look that way) is not an easy feat. I never see myself as a strict mother, but being married to a military guy who is always away means I should also stand as the father. Which also means he can't share the burden of disciplining our BRAT --- cavaliers' kids. Rhambo being away is not a new complaint anymore. Or, a complaint at all. I have learned to live with it. I have learned how it is to be a SOLO parent --- geographically. I have learned to decide on my own, with bits of advice from MIL & Mama. These mothers are good because they have raised their children in solo-flight. My mother lost Papa 1993. MIL lost FIL 1999. My mothers are widows.

Someday, Baby

Dear Baby Blood,

Tatay came home before my birthday so we could be with you 9 months after. We really wanted to be with you. We prayed and wished for you. Even Ate Sophia was practicing how to be a big sister. She sometimes think of you as her toy dinosaur, Dino. Or her imaginary pet animal, Rekeli. My little angel, Tatay could have been the happiest man if we could be with you. But we lost you.

I am very sorry. I didn't know I already had you.

Review: Celestina & Co.

I only had one original Barbie doll when I was a kid. I used to have like 4 or 5 dolls from Uniwide Sales (Haha! 90s) but this one from Mattel, Inc. was my favorite. My childhood friend Ikay gave it to me. I wonder where she is right now? Her family manufactures fancy jewelries that can be bought in SM department stores. I never got her full name as I was a careless 7-year-old. Really careless that when I turned 12, thought myself as a full-pledged dalaga, gave all my dolls including that one & only original Barbie to my younger cousins. If I only knew I will have a daughter, I should have kept my toys. Well, at least I made some souls happy. And who cares about that one from Mattel, Inc.! I now have a live Barbie doll. ;)

Sophia Monique is my pint-sized super model. Dressing her up is a privilege. Though when she turned 3, she kept on insisting to wear what she picked. Trust me, her mix & matching was kind of out of this world; but at least she has her own sense of style at such a young age. Now that she's 4, it's a lot easier as long as it's something girly, sometimes floral & mostly pink. Well, she came from a kikay womb. What can we expect? ;)

The only problem is her hairstyle. This is so humiliating. I have a mommy confession to make. I can't do braids --- the one that sticks to the scalp. Sigh. Of course, I can do the easy kind but it looks lame. I might try doing the "fishtail" when Sophia's hair gets longer, but I'm afraid it'll just tangle up. Ugh, what an awful feeling. That's why I keep her hair in medium length so I won't get too frustrated because I can't do anything with her long hair, aside from the boring-super-usual pigtails. These overrated pigtails hairstyle is my last resort especially when it gets too humid to just let her hair laid down. But on usual school days, I love putting cute colorful clips and headbands to her straight & shiny hair. Until I came across Celestina & Co., I suddenly had a change of heart in styling Sophia's hair.

Sophia Turns Four: Pink and Green Strawberry School Party

I knew from day one I planned Sophia's school party that she would enjoy. And sure, she did. But I never expected I'd get sick. I was constipated and bloated. I kept on releasing gas but no further follow-up, which was such a bad idea. I drank the last sachet of my then-slimming tea (because I have learned to love my womanly body) in the belief that I would have released all there was in me that made me so bloated. Yeah, I won't let you know the gory details 'cause you might be munching on some chocolate bar right now while reading this. And you might hate me forever. So what happened was, I released it! Ta-daah. But annoyingly, I had a fever and suffered from severe headache due to dehydration. Can I just prick myself with a dextrose? So, Sophia didn't go to school today because no one would prep her up. I think she somehow understood her sickly mother's sad situation. She didn't ask for too much of clingy motherhood that I usually offer. She looked like the girl I really wanted her to be -  an independent four-year-old.

My 4-year-old preschooler was to blame for all of these, eh? No, please, no. It did cross my mind though. But I loved what I did for my little girl and never regretted it. Oh well, I might avail a party pack from Jollibee next year. This party she had was all DIY - from the invites to the loot bags. I even used my own CO2 to inflate all 18 balloons I got from The Shoppe, owned by Misella Badua-Tagorda, my highschool classmate, who is now a proud mommy of a 3-year-old boy.