Since When Having Children Become a Competition?

Note: This was written after my pregnancy and gender announcement of the third baby. 

When my eldest was four years old, almost everyone, even strangers, said we should have another child. “Pwede ng sundan yan”, they said it as if they will help raise our family financially. I didn’t battle with them, not even in words, but my uterus did; I had an ectopic pregnancy. An internal organ in my reproductive system had to be removed as if it was my body’s way of telling the naysayers that it had enough of their meddling. Having another child wasn’t meant to be... yet.

So blessed to be a girl mama of these precious ones. ♡

Few years later, my second pregnancy surprised and shocked many including us, my husband and I. We expected a solo child family till our senior years. Truly, God has miraculous ways to make us understand that no men can dictate our future—not even your chismosang kapitbahay. But of course, people who are bound to have imperfections cannot be controlled. They attacked the preggy me again with “sana boy na yan para perfect na, para complete na”. I was furious.

35 today

Well, well, well. What do we have here?

But first, lemme take a selfie.

When I was 10 years old, I looked at people my age now like they're so old. Like when they don't have their own house, don't drive their own car and have zero career, I thought that they are failures. The younger me even swore to never wash my own laundry! I said I'd have maids to do the house chores. I said I'd be wearing stilettos to work. I said my future children would have their own bedrooms at my house with a beautiful garden. Such dreams I had as a child. God bless every kid who dreams like I did. 'Cause guess what? None of those came true.

One Word, One Year: 2019

After a week and so of trying to balance homeschooling, taking care of a toddler and managing the household while being down with flu, I realized how my one word last year still has its effect on me. Well, it doesn't really apply to my general mood (malalaos ang mga nagro-road rage sa akin haha) but it was when I'm calm that Sophia better understands a Math problem, Sammy loves it when I'm calm and being calm is the best way to keep a hardworking helper. So yes, choosing a word to work on your life definitely gives good results. Hence, still doing it this year.

I've been choosing one word every new year for five years already, except in 2015 when my goal then was to rebrand (from a hot pink Bebengisms to a quieter, cleaner Royal Domesticity) and my process has never changed. I still pray before I finally decide on what to put here. One Word, One Year may just be a blogging trend but for me, it's all spiritual. I always seek for what the Lord sees in my heart. I got stuck for a few days thinking of what word to choose but after I prayed, I knew what it's going to be. 

In 2014, I chose faith.

In 2016, I chose purpose.

In 2017, I chose humility.

In 2018, I chose calm.

And for 2019, I choose GRATITUDE.

Why We Homeschool

Finally, you will now know why we are doing this rather unpopular lifestyle. Yes, homeschooling isn't just a type of education for children. It's a choice that families make to achieve the success they all want for themselves as a unit and as individuals. 

Here's our story. 

It was few minutes before 4 in the morning of a regular school day, I just finished breastfeeding our one month old baby and had put her back to sleep. I was about to prepare breakfast for my firstborn Sophia when I heard her sniffing differently. On most days, I would have still woken her up and have her take medicine before she goes to school. But on that day, my heart said otherwise. I allowed her to sleep. The next few hours proved to me that momtuition will always be correct. She got high fever, sore throat and really bad case of colds. After three days, she got better. I then overdosed her with veggies and fruits and vitamins and rest and TLC. But still, she got sick again. Like, she had it every other week until the school year finished. 

So I Just Finished Watching the First Season of Santa Clarita Diet

Although my mom brain isn't working as it should be right now, I will write about this (whatever you call it – review, sequel excitement, Netflix addiction) before my own thoughts pass me by. Fine, I'm cradling my baby to sleep and won't put her down even if she seems to be snoring already. Yes, it's a lame excuse but blogging keeps me sane. This blog is where I can write my insinuations about life that I can't tell anyone but I wish I should. Like, my husband brings his phone with him to the bathroom. You hear me? Err, read me? Non-issue basically but he poops more than two times in a day and it's not cute anymore especially when he will suddenly stand up, declare he'll go number 2 when I'm about to tell him to do something for me (i.e., a house chore). LOL. Please tell me your husband does that, too so I won't feel so bad about myself. 

I love that my husband is a responsible provider and a loving father but that little I-will-poop-with-my-phone-several-times-in-a-day excuse just keeps me off sometimes. I let it slide all the time, though 'cause again, it's a non-issue! Humans are made to defecate and I completely understand that. Plus, arguing about poop doesn't sound like what two matured people should be doing. 

Today Could've Been My First Year Back At Work

One year ago today was my first day back at working away from home. I remembered how excited I was! I wore a chambray longsleeved shirt from H&M (a gift from my husband) paired with black leggings and simple black flats from Zalora since office dresscode is basically casual. I had soooo many plans as the new Marketing Manager of an iconic clothing brand! Some were approved; like the website campaign, where my blogger friends happily helped me out with. But of course, a lot were also shelved and ignored due to its ambitious nature, which needed a big budget that our department unfortunately does not have. 

One the girls from my team doing her magic. 

Oh, how I miss working in a big company and please the bosses who are paying us. HAHA! Seriously, that's what working there made me feel like. If some of you are serving your customers or clients, I did that with our bosses – make them happy at the end of the day. I didn't mind that, tbh! It still fulfilled me, anyway. My goal was to do my job and earn money. Simple and real and brutal. 

But a month after, I got pregnant. 

One Word, One Year: 2018

I was not into this whole idea when this year started. For apparent reasons, the ordeal of having a clingy newborn baby makes me want to ignore the things I regularly do to nurture my soul. Also, I didn't feel like having just a word rule my year. "Who knows what the future holds" was kind of my mantra since the arrival of our new baby, Samantha a month ago. Savoring the moment, yes?

But when I saw my post about my 2017 one word, I realized how it truly helped me live the year. It served as my guide. Won't go into all the gory details, though. Let me just say that I now have more than 80% humility than I had in 2016. Getting wiser as the years go by, I suppose. So even if I didn't feel like doing this, my past one word post motivated me to do it again in the hopes that the word will reflect the life that I want to live.

God Heard Sophia's Prayer

When our faith was tested with ectopic pregnancy in 2012, I caught myself strongly believing the possibility of not having a child ever again. You see, it's not a simple EP issue that can be treated by Methergine. Sure, I took that med but the doctor cut my right fallopian tube where a 6-week-old baby blood got stuck. Therefore, giving me only 50% chance of conceiving again. Many times I cried alone just thinking about that.

The desperation and depression got worse months after. I blame no one for what I felt but you know, the society we have is cruel to moms.

The Wonderful Year That Was

Hey 2017, thank you. Can my family and I give you a big bear hug?

You see, we may have started on a different note - lost my regular homebased job the previous year that paid half of our bills - still, I'm glad you turned out and finished well. 

On January, not just making it as "eveyone's New Year's resolution" but truly doing it, I chose to have a more active lifestyle. I jogged in the morning and did HIITs as regular as I can. We also ate more nutritious food. The next month, I decided to go back to working away from home. I love my chill SAHM life but there are times that we just got to adult real hard. So on March 8th, I bravely headed the Marketing Department of an iconic clothing brand while mothering my gradeschool girl and managing our home. Our family was slowly adjusting to the changes, I was doing well at work but God, being the Alpha and the Omega, had other plans for us. I got pregnant on April. 

The Truth About Baby Showers

When I was pregnant with Sophia, I threw myself a simple baby shower at home with a little help from a friend. Being young with no enough knowledge on proper etiquette and all, I did that for the gifts, apparently. As how we know it, "gifts are central to showers." That's the main reason why there is such to begin with.

My baby shower cake nine years ago

At the onset of my current pregnancy, I thought about it and discussed it with my husband. He said that no one will come to our baby shower anymore (should we have one) since most of the friends who attended the first are no longer in our circle. Even if it hurt me big time, I agreed with him. Sometimes, for one to finally accept the truth, it has to hurt first. I have moved on easily, though and gotten over it already. For me, growing up means losing some friends in the process.

A New Season

It's been six months since I last wrote here. Not proud of it but it surely gave me the blogger's rest that I deserve and surprisingly, taught me a few lessons, too. 

You see, I went back to work on March; coincidentally started on International Women's Day. After five years of being a stay-at-home mom that shifted to mompreneurhood to working at home as a Social Media Manager, I wore my best working mom hat again as a Marketing Manager of a group of companies. I accepted the challenges and won it over - from the daily commute to office politics to unapproved proposals. What I dreaded most was missing my daughter, Sophia every minute that I was not home with her.

THE WORKING MOM JOURNEY

My usual day starts at four in the morning - cooking and preparing our baon, having some quick but hearty breakfast and helping my little lady dress up for school. By the time she leaves at 5:30, my exhaustion is starting to creep in into my nerves. But instead of slowing down or going back to sleep like I used to, I'd wash the dishes, tidy up the house then prepare for work. The office is relatively near home but I still travel for an hour. Initially, I get Uber but it leaves a painful scar on my budget so I decided to simply become a warrior and brave all unpleasantness that riding jeepneys give.

One of the companies.

Before I started on March 8th, I bought a cellphone for Sophia. It's the most basic - just for calls and texts. I call her when I know she's already home from school. Sometimes, my mom accompanies her. Once in a while, my mother-in-law visits her and waits with her until I come home. But sadly, most of the time, she opens the gate on her own and would be greeted by no one but our pet cats. It was the most heartbreaking moment. There was even an instance that the landlord locked the gate without notifying us. Imagine how I panicked! My daughter ended up waiting for my brother-in-law in her bus driver's carwash shop. 

Back then, we go with the flow. The inevitable happened - my #baonserye posts went down the drain eventually and I found myself overstaying at the office once a week due to heavy workload. Sophia and I only had a few minutes before bedtime, sometimes none, to talk about how our day went. And though my husband, R fully supports me, I felt a disconnection. When he's home during weekends, I'm too tired to fully become the wife that I want myself to be. Yes, we had extra money to go to the mall, watch movies and eat out but it's nothing compared to the simple things we enjoy doing together - like walking the dog, visiting our moms or dining at our favorite pares place. 

I may not have financial woes for having money of my own but deep inside me, I knew there was something wrong.

One Word, One Year: 2017

I have shared in this post how 2016 was like for our small family. Thinking about the massive amount of merriment and mayhem that happened then, my one word last year pretty described how the previous events took place. Whenever I have to make a decision - be it great or minor - I have always gone back to my whys, my purpose. And for that, I was so glad I chose that word no matter how common it is, no matter how related it is to Justin Bieber, lol. 

For this year, it took me a few words before I arrived to one. I thought of "now", "kindness", "focus" and "accept". All these have strong impact to me as 2017 began. It was only when my husband finally left home to go back to work that I realized what I would love my one word to be. 

And that is, HUMILITY.

The Year That Has Been

Where were we on the last day of 2016? 

Just a quick backgrounder, a confession that none of our families, except my selfie queen sister, and friends knew - my husband R and I had a serious fight. We were not talking days after Christmas until a few minutes before the year ended. Sophia knew. Some kids would have complained about how miserable to have spent the holidays with cold-hearted parents and most probably took sides already. But my girl - she was the voice of reason, our sunshine that kept us warm and melted the ice that enveloped our home. 

Back to the question - oh, our family of contradicting characters and mood swings spent it in a non-extravagant but meaningful way! We had dinner at a 24-hour KFC along Marcos Highway then went to Marikina River Park for fair rides and games. Our little miss adventurer had fun even with that one scary ride (that made me repent my sins over and over lol). But R and I? We were still ignoring each other. He still ignored me even if I was actually trying to impress him when I shot targets consecutively in exchange of cheap toys and candies. What a snob, that guy, haha. Then we drove up to Antipolo for fireworks sighting but went home disappointed. Drizzles and smog, that's why. It was so polluted down here that night; we didn't see anything! 

Anyway, up to this very moment, no apologies were made. But I guess, the evening I hugged him while he was sleeping gave it away that whoever was at fault, I didn't care anymore. All I ever thought was how I longed for that hug and that I just cannot let the next day happen without us being our old selves again. So there. And of course, don't forget - having sex after a fight is always the best idea.

32 Things / 12

32 Things is a series of fun facts about me; 
to celebrate my 32 years of living, loving and laughing. 

I WAS BULLIED IN HIGHSCHOOL

This is a part of my past that made a big impact to who and what I am today. 

I was in 2nd year, the same year when R and I were classmates, when it happened. It was a Saturday when our class had to meet in school for a project. After the meeting, some girls decided to go to the nearest mall to while away. I tagged along; I thought the girls and I were friends. The Monday after, I saw these girls talking to our guy classmates. They were looking my way. So I asked my guy seatmate about it. He said they were talking about me. I almost choked when I swallowed a lump in my throat that began to ball up. I'm a crybaby now that I'm 32 so imagine a 14-year-old me. 

My People Are Those Who Love It When I Sparkle

A Facebook friend shared a photo of an inspiring quote on her wall and boy oh boy, I found myself turning on the computer again. "I have to blog about these thoughts!", I said. So here I am.

Disbelief is the most appropriate term to describe how I feel whenever I'd get so many "likes" on each of my post on the blog's page. Fine, is that too shallow for me to even blog about? Let us put it this way. Why do you even share it on Facebook in the first place when you are not even excited to get "likes", right? It can be different for other bloggers but honesty is one of my best traits so the heck to those who say *aspiring likes on social media is an illness*. It matters to bloggers. That is how you gauge your engagement with your followers. Simply put - no likes mean no connection. In fact, when I notice that a post doesn't get at least a single like, I delete it. And will just post it again to try. But thank God I have a loyal follower in the initials that come in IDP, who never fails to like each of my post on Facebook or Instagram. Luv yah, girl. You know who you are. *winks*

To get to my point, the quote on the photo says - "You will be too much for some people. Those aren't your people." And I was like, "Ohhhhhh, shocks. This is perfect. This is the best thing the internet has ever told me about blogging." 

The Underacting Parenting

In my Moved Up, Moved Out post, I told the main reason why R and I decided to put Sophia to where she is studying now. It has been almost a month since she started her new school year and the changes in her young and innocent life were truly evident. So how is she doing? Has it also affected me as a parent?

Aside from how she easily wakes up at 4:30 in the morning to how she fixes herself on her own in a breeze, I can't help but think that my girl won't need me eventually. You see, I don't bring her to school anymore; she takes the school bus along with 15 other girls. She also follows this after-school to-do list to help her remain focused the entire school week. Raising my only girl almost single-handedly is not an easy feat. In fact, I just had my most agonizing week the past two weeks as a parent. We were doing fine but I can't help not to worry; she's obviously having a hard time with all the adjustments. She needs routine but she's an artist, who needs to do things on her pace. So there were days when I have nothing for her but commands in high-pitched voice. I hated myself. I don't like to be that kind of mom; that's not how I want her to see me.

We fought and argued but managed to end it peacefully. After apologies and promises, I asked her what she feels whenever I get mad. In her matured but sweet tone, she said, "I get hurt. And sometimes when I get hurt, I'm thinking if I were like other kids, would you still be mad at me?" *pausing now to wipe my tears* The lump in my throat that balled while she was talking had finally burst into a heavy-on-the-verge-of-ugly-crying sigh. I couldn't said a word. I just caressed her soft, black hair and hugged her tight. 

Exciting Things Ahead

Today is the first day of the second half of the year. Isn't it amazing how quickly time flew? So, what do we have here? We got changes. The Philippines has a new president! My girl is in a new school! And to make this post a bit egocentrically silly - this blog's initials share the same with the new president's! Cool, right? LOL. Mai-relate lang. Tbh, I didn't campaign for him but since he was the people's choice... well, congratulations! I have read his simple but meaningful speech yesterday. It was good. Kudos to his team for putting up a decent inauguration. Let us hope for the best! After all, his win is our win. 

Now, off to more personal stuff.

Moved Up, Moved Out

My girl will be starting her 2nd grade in another school this month. In my That Terrifying Mommy Moment post, I shared the security issue of her past school that sealed my and R's decision to move her out from there.

As for the core reason why, here's the gist. 

Some time in November, Sophia came home with a marken pen stain on her PE shirt's left side. She said a boy classmate stabbed it on her when she got the pen holder from him. According to the teacher and my girl, it was time to pack it away but since the boy was still using the pens, he stabbed the one he was holding to her chest that left a blue stain. I managed to removed the stain with my laundry skillzzz but you know, I think I will never forget the pain it caused me. The incident blew up into something worse when I posted the photo in my personal Facebook account. I didn't know who told the principal about it but I was friends with some of the teachers then so maybe they told her. When the principal called me for a meeting, I thought that she was about to secure me that my daughter is safe in her school or that she has talked to the parents of the boy and that they were willing to apologize in the boy's behalf and all. I was wrong. In the middle of our emotional conversation, I felt like a kid reprimanded by my mom for posting something hideous on my Facebook account. Yes, I know it was wrong to put it out there but for me, she could have not delve on that because that was not the issue. 

R and I

As what Toni of Wifely Steps advised me, I am reposting this lengthy caption here that I first posted on Instagram, my personal Facebook account and page of this blog. Here it goes.

"Medyo mahaba ito but I have a confession kasi. We don't like each other that much the past months or maybe years, R and I. Yes, we love each other. Yes, we are very married and I think we are our girl's "relationship goal". But you know, there are times na gusto lang namin pikunin ang isa't-isa. Minsan sadya, minsan hindi. Hehe. It's given in any marriage, in any relationship - ang mapikon sa partner. There were times (many times, I tell ya) na ayoko na, na ayaw na rin niya... eh kasi nakakapagod na nga. Pero eto pa rin kami oh! Kasi nga, wala, we can't live without each other! 

That Terrifying Mommy Moment

This narrative is lengthy. I hope you are prepared for this. Grab your popcorn if you feel like it. 

It was the day Courageous Caitie passed away when it happened. Almost all the people in my Facebook feed were grieving, mourning and were left inspired by her story. Her parents' loss became other people's source of hope. I thought, God must have given that kind of trial to Caitie's parents because He knows they can handle it gracefully, faithfully.

SOURCE

It was a different story for another mom, though, who tried to keep her poise but failed. She arrived in her daughter's school to pick her up and learned that she was not there. No one knew where she went. It's inevitable for that mom to be worried. In fact, I asked my Facebook friends - What do you think will be your reaction when you find out your kid was not where you left her? 6 out of 7 respondents said they will panic, will feel nervous and jokingly said will do a Sisa scene. 

That mom was me - I panicked, got really nervous, and almost did a Sisa scene.

"Anong klaseng eskwelahan kayo at hindi niyo alam kung nasaan ang estudyante niyo?"

"Pusa nga kapag nawala hinahanap, anak pa kaya?"

"Don't tell me to calm down."

I was a bit aware of my actions that I can still manage to sit and pray but it was one of the moments that I really cannot control my emotions. 

So what really happened?